Finding My Way Back

I’m feeling…good. Like really good. I feel content and motivated, like I can see where I want to be and I am figuring out how to get there. I am starting to realize that I have felt stagnant for the last oh four years or so. Not that I wasn’t growing and changing as a person becoming a mom of one and then two. It is probably the most I have changed in my whole life, but all of that change was sort of not by choice I guess. I had to go through those changes. I had to learn how to be a mom and provide for my family and keep everyone alive and fed and generally happy and thriving (with LOTS of help from my husband and family). But the ME that I had been working on for the 28 years prior to that was, for lack of a better term, on hold. My house was only clean if someone was coming over. I ate what I could find and whenever I had time to find it. I exercised only when the stars aligned to make it so easy I couldn’t help but go. My house, my body, my life was consumed by pregnancy and nursing and fitting in the essential things like sleep and (to a lesser degree) showers. I was treading water, just trying to stay afloat. I don’t mean to paint a picture of desperation. I was hibernating with my little crew. They are only so little and so dependent for so long and luckily I have a very wise mother who reminded me that laundry can wait (while kindly looking the other way from my messy kitchen, or even *gasp* cleaning it!) but tiny sleeping babies only want to be held and snuggled for so long. So I held, I snuggled, and I put everything else on hold.

Fast forward to now. I have a 3 ½ year old and a 15 month old. I am just over a month out of completely weaning Mila and I think that was the final hurdle (not that it was a hurdle at all because, just like Lily, she could have cared less and I was all WAH!) My house is still a complete disaster, but I can see the light. I’m coming out of the baby fog. We have only ever planned to have two kids and even though it makes me sad to give away old clothes and toys and various baby-containing contraptions, it is also so freeing. I could still use a little more time in my day to get everything done, but I can sense it in my reach. I am ready to clean and organize and exercise and feel good and accomplished (outside of crazy cute baby creating, which I’m SUPER accomplished at already.)

I guess sometimes I see other people and they seem to have it all together, but I know that while they have it figured out in areas where I am slacking, I'm just oblivious to the areas they feel are lacking. Ok, that rhymed. What I mean is that maybe they have a clean house, but their snuggle-o-meter is way low. I got one up on that! My girls are so fun right now and I am doing a good job of looking at them and being thankful for where we are. I miss the sweet squishy babies they were, I’m excited for the fun crazy kids they will become, but I’m just enjoying who they are right this second and that is so good. Things are good and they are only getting better.

I can't complain.