Two the number of kids? Two the age? Two cookies? Where is she going with this? In response to those questions asked by you, invisible person in my head, I say: crazy, crazy, not crazy.
In all honesty, having two kids is hard. I wouldn't change it for one second and it gets easier every day, but I'm not lying, it's hard. The other day I asked Ryan if he remembered what it was like having only one kid. He said something along the lines of watching more TV... thanks husband. I guess what I'm saying is that we are in pursuit of the new balance. When you have your first baby all of your priorities shift. It isn't all about you anymore (wait it isn't about ME?!), but as your kid gets older you figure out how to carve out a space for yourself, for your friends, for your marriage, for your abs. Ok, not that last one. Then you have another kid and everything is off balance again. Sure there is plenty of room in my heart to love two babies, but is there room in my day? Well the answer is yes, but until you figure out the new balance other things have to be sacrificed. My house is a disaster, some days I only see Ryan in passing as we tag team bed time, and my feet haven't seen sneakers non-ironically in weeks.
The hardest thing for me by far has been sacrificing one-on-one time with Lily. Because I am nursing, we have sort of fallen into the easy habit of me being with Mila all the time and Ryan being with Lily all the time. Of course a lot of times we are all together or I have both kids by myself, but I rarely have time with just Lily anymore and it kills me. She has always been a daddy's girl and I know she obviously loves her mama, but it has changed the dynamic in our house even if only temporarily. If I tell her she can't do something she cries for Daddy, when he comes home from work the mom-snuggle rate drops drastically, and the other day (it kills me just to write this) when I asked Lily, "Do you love Mommy?" she responded: "You love Mila and I love Daddy." Talk about mom guilt! There may have been tears, none of them were hers. We are making efforts to change it up and things are already feeling more normal. Ryan loves spending time with Mila and I miss my big girl, so yeah, balance is being pursued.
I think back to when we first had Lily and how difficult of a change it
was for me. Before she arrived we were individual people who, with some obvious
constraints, could pretty much do as we pleased. Want to sit on the
couch all weekend eating only chips? Go for it! Drink half a bottle of
wine by yourself whilst in the tub? Have at it! (I also did normal
things). Suddenly you are not only responsible for another human, but said tiny human basically dictates your life. Drastic change.
Now that there are two of those tiny humans in my house I'm all "what
was I complaining about!?" Any moment I have just one kid at a time now
feels like vacation! "Hey Lily, want to take a spontaneous drive to
Mexico?" Done. I guess what I'm saying is I wish I knew what it was like
to have three children so I could know just how easy I have it right
now.
At the same time, having two kids is better than I ever imagined. Lily has been enamored with Mila since the moment she laid eyes on her. I have never heard or seen a single resentful or jealous moment pass between them. As Mila becomes more and more interactive I can see her adoration of Lily, her eyes dart to keep up with the crazy toddler happenings and just a glance from Lily can elicit heartfelt belly laughs. It is amazing. I love going out as a family of four, it feels right, I feel proud of this little bunch of crazies. Cliche, cliche, my heart is full, etc.
Some days I miss my husband being my husband and not just my co-parent, but these days are short and soon enough we will find that elusive balance again, I just know it.
