Life

As I attempt to tell you the stories of your life I am writing chronologically from the very beginning. This brings us to my pregnancy.

Here you are rocking out to some Britney Spears, or some Debussy, hard to tell.

My pregnancy was a bit of a roller coaster. Not the pregnancy itself, I believe I may have had the easiest pregnancy ever, but life all around us was a jumble of peaks and valleys. I have been contemplating what to include as I write to you about that time in my life. I don't know when you will read all of this and how many discussions it will bring up, but I do know that these are stories that you should hear. I suppose I will just write everything down for you an we will handle these discussions when we get to them.

Two major losses rocked our world during the time that I was pregnant with you, I will save the second for another day.

I hope that if my friend ever reads this note, she will not mind that I have told a small piece of her story.

During the early months of my pregnancy, a very good friend of mine was pregnant as well. She was exactly 8 weeks further along than I and though she lived over a thousand miles away, we were keeping in close contact about our pregnancies and enjoyed sharing this excitement that our other friends had yet to experience. When I was 4 months along, and she was 6 months along, she planned to come to Seattle for her baby shower. The Tuesday before she was to arrive I got a phone call from her sister. She had lost the baby.

For me, miscarriage had always been a huge fear. I know it is something that happens all the time and usually it is in the first few months and the emotional pain far outweighs the physical. I also know now from experience that I was a mom the moment that line turned pink and a loss at any point would have been absolutely devastating.

This, however, was far worse. Being as she was so far along in her pregnancy, she would have to deliver knowing that the baby was gone. Even today after experiencing childbirth firsthand, I cannot  begin to imagine what she went through. After this loss, we all tried to be there for her and offer as much love as we could from far away, but I knew it would be different for her and I. I knew if the situation were reversed it would be terribly difficult for me to talk to her while she was still pregnant. We kept in touch through facebook and group emails, but I understood why she kept her distance. I cannot quite express the feelings of joy mixed with guilt over my own healthy pregnancy. I can tell you that I had very few complaints about being 9 months pregnant. I tried to relish in the incredible discomfort that a healthy full-term pregnancy had given me.

A couple of days after my birthday (aka a couple of days past your due date, yes I was still pregnant!) I saw a missed call from my friend. We hadn't spoken over the phone in about 5 months and I knew this could be a somewhat emotional conversation. I sat myself in your nursery and called her back. She had called to wish me happy birthday and tell me she was thinking about me as your arrival approached. She started to apologize for being distant. I understood, I said, it would have been hard for me to. Then she told me the best news I could hear. She was pregnant. She hadn't told many people and had only just found out herself, but she wanted me to know. That happy, healthy baby was born just last month.

Life is full of both joy and sorrow and I suppose all we can hope is that the former outweighs the latter.